it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I look excited, but its just a facade.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
