I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
