it's not cheating when I paid for it
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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