I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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