i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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