i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
