wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
