I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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