I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
