the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
