guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Im part way to drunk.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
