He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
