So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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