that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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