dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
