dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
