my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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