he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
please come you make the beer taste better
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
how drunk are you?
Several
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
