u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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