Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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