Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
