i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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