the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
