I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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