wrigley field is MILF paradise
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
