why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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