I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
