Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
