My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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