I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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