Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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