I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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