I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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