i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
