I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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