so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
