he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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