What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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