if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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