Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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