I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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