So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
