is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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