I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
