just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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