he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
