What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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