The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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