Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
