Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
