Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
