Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My balls are so social today.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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