First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
